A few years ago I read an article for youth pastors entitled “9 Tips to Have Great Discussions with Teens.” This article gave me some things to think about, but it also made me think about making tips for parents on great discussions with their own teens.  So here are 9 tips for you as a parent for talking to your teen. These will hopefully help you have more engaging discussions with your teen and a deeper relationship with them. 

1. Learn their friend’s name and use them.  

Your teen’s friends are their whole world right now. Knowing their names, things about them, and being able to talk about them will be meaningful to your teen. 

2. Ask open-ended and Honest questions. 

Questions that can be answered in one word will be. “How was your day?” “Fine.” Ask questions that give your teen the ability to share what is important to them and draws them to share thoughts and emotions not just one word. 

 It is also important to ask honest questions. What I mean by honest is that you honestly want to know the answer. If you ask a question and then zone out to the answer or then act like you don’t care your teen will see it and it will distance them from you. 

3. Ask questions that do not assume one correct answer.

When you ask questions that assume a correct answer you will get the answer you are looking for…. not necessarily the truth. Allow your teens to tell you about the events in their lives. They are going to make mistakes. These mistakes will require discipline and teaching but be patient and loving. It is much better for your teen to make mistakes now when you can help them learn then to make mistakes later when you are not around to help and teach them. 

4. Be authentic and appropriately vulnerable.

Authenticity is most often talked about in the terms real and fake. Fake or unauthentic makes teens distance themselves. The culture teens are immersed in is one of honesty about failure to a fault. These faults make us who we are therefore we should not hide them… except for on social media which is an article in and of itself.  This owning of faults sets up the idea that if anyone looks perfect they are fake and cannot be trusted.  So be authentic. Share your struggles, share how God is growing you. 

A huge part of being authentic is being vulnerable. You have made mistakes in your life you learned from them your teen would benefit greatly to hear about these. You even make mistakes in parenting, down to your mistakes and don’t be afraid to apologize to your teens for your mistakes. Even large mistakes you made can be a great teaching time for your teen. It can be scary being vulnerable with anyone but this can lead to a deeper relationship with your teen. Don’t let fear stop you from sharing. Also allow them to ask questions of you about anything. In the same way you want honest answers from your teen give them honest answers. 

5. Be patient and don’t settle for the first answer.

If you get a one word answer, ask more. This will show that you truly care. Ask about feelings, not just the facts of the situation.  The key here is not to pester or nag but show genuine interest in the life and thoughts of your teenager. 

6. Silence is okay.

When talking with your teen silence is okay. There is thinking and pondering in silence. It may be awkward but let there be silence when your teen is answering a question. 

7. Activities are great.

Doing things together with your teen is great. Know what your teen enjoys and try to do it with them: seeing a play, batting cages, sporting events, movies, new food, painting. Try what they like, especially if it means going out of your comfort zone. Your teen will see this and appreciate your effort. This is a great time to talk while having fun and psychologically you this fun is being associated with your time together and talking which will help make talking easier. 

8. Their opinions matter. 

I have heard from young adults, “I just wish my parents would have let me present why I didn’t think the rules where fair, even if nothing changed.”  Rules may seem unfair to your teenager and they will want to argue against them. Let them. Set up standards for the discussion that all of you agree upon, respect for one another affecting tone and attitude. But don’t just listen to your teen to make them feel heard. Truly listen. They may change your mind and that is okay. 

9. Make sure they know you love them. 

If your teenager truly knows that you love them. Any conversation will go better. Honesty will be given more readily and your help will be sought. Unconditional love is key to have. You need to love your teen like Christ loved us and gave himself for us. But you need to not just have this love but make sure they know you have this love for them.